I wrote this about two years ago when we still lived in Austin. There were so many unknowns then. There is still uncertainty, but isn't that life? Much has changed since these thoughts flew out of my head and onto the screen, but I felt compelled to share them anyway. I remember being so afraid to hit "Publish" on this. It has been sitting my "Draft" folder for two years.! Why? Vulnerability is hard. But without it, connection is beyond our reach. So here it is. Long overdue...
What do you do when life is filled with an unusual amount of uncertainty? I'm not an extreme control freak by any means, but there have been times in my life that feel a little like purgatory.
Waiting to hear about a job.
Waiting for the test results to show one or two lines.
House hunting when a move is inevitable.
All of the above at the same time.....
My M.O. is to stress eat and numb out (too much phone/screen time, an extra glass of wine...or two). I'm trying to change that this go around.
You see, the past two years have been a bit of a whirlwind. We had wild child #2. I've battled with postpartum depression and chronic pain from a herniated disc. I've gone from working a full-time office job while building a consulting business on the side to quitting that full-time job to consult full-time. All this while the hubby changed roles at his job which now requires him to travel SIGNIFICANTLY more. It's rare for him to be home a full week and about every three months, he's gone 75% of the time. Add in 2 wonderful wild-child little boys and you get an overwhelmed, overworked, stressed mama that's put on an additional 15-20 lbs since the beginning of the year. That's already on top of not losing the baby weight from wild child #2.
So when the hubby told me he may have an opportunity to get a better, less-travel, higher paying, higher status position, I was all for it. The catch? It's in rural Alabama.
Did you hear that? That sounds like an extra serving of stress and uncertainty being slopped onto my plate and poured into my wine glass.
There are so many questions swirling through my mind: Will we be able to find a good house to call home? Will the boys thrive there? Will this strengthen our marriage? Will family and friends ever visit since the town is 2 hours from the nearest airport or a 12 hour drive from Texas? Will we be able to make new friends? Will I? Will I thrive or will I dive deeper with more numbing?
Like I said, I'm trying to do it different this time. It's part of why I finally launched my site. A site that's been building in my mind for the last several years but one that I've always told myself is silly. Surely, no one is interested in what I have to say. And perhaps that's true. But I'm in a place in life where I realize that there are certain things I need to help make me a better human. Writing. Cooking. Ceating a cozy, welcoming, love-filled home. Connecting with others. Being physically active. Being in nature. And seeing the beauty and kindness in the world. I'm trying to overcome the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" I've heard most of my life and do something that brings joy to me and hopefully others. Maybe then the uncertainty of this next chapter of life and the changes it brings will be easier to bear.
So welcome to my corner of the Internet! I'm hanging my cedar shingle and hope to stay for a while.
Meg